Don’t Judge Me

I own this 'self-belief' journal, and one of the questions is: 'What compliment do you get the most?'

My answer is 'you're smart' or 'you're so good at thinking' or 'you've got an excellent brain!'. They're always about my mental game. My ability to conjure up ideas and be creative or how many books I read. It's never 'you're so pretty' or 'you look great in that top'.

To be known as 'the smart one' means you must always be smart. To constantly be the one with the answer, because people become disappointed or surprised when you don't. Shrouded in the isolation of my room, the locked door, the pulled curtains, and the layers of blankets I hide under on my bed. I feel safe.

In a box many call a bedroom, I can be me.

Whether sad, scared or insecure. I am not the smart one here, but the one who has it all. I can become beautiful in the melodic fantasy of my brain. I have complete control over how I want to share my emotions. The troubles of the outside world seemingly miles beyond the edges of my closed eye lids.

Begging, please don't judge me. Please don't hate me for who I really am. Please don't see behind the facade at who I really am. For I fear I will be disappointing. And what makes it harder is that I know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

There are many of us out there. Who pretends to be this well-rounded person, someone who has everything together? I commend you! You're doing amazing. You're going at your own pace, which is the best pace to go at. Everyone is on their own path, and although it can feel shameful to reach out for help, there is nothing wrong with it. Start with a friend.

They won't judge you.

I won't judge you, if you don't judge me.

by Jessica Palmer

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(also featured in Bloom I05)

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