A Note On Open Relationships, From Someone Who Was In One
Open relationships get a bad reputation. They never work, they’re for people with commitment issues, they’re for people who don’t really love each other because, if they did, they wouldn’t even consider sleeping with anyone else. Sex and relationships are so intertwined in our cultural understanding of love that for many, sleeping with someone else is the worst thing their partner could do. It is no surprise, then, that open relationships are something of a taboo.
Last summer, my boyfriend and I spent three months long distance, in different countries with a seven hour time difference. We decided that for those months, we would try being open. It was something we were both intrigued by, and something that seemed as if it would suit both of our characters, as well as benefitting our relationship overall. Despite this being a decision that we had made together to better our relationship, the criticism and judgement we both faced was brutal. People I barely knew were surprisingly comfortable with informing me that they thought my boyfriend didn’t really love me if he was “letting me sleep with other people”. Some would brazenly ask me invasive questions and made rude, presumptive comments about my sex life. Some felt that I had just found a “loophole” to cheat. Something about my situation brought out a deeply critical and unpleasant side in a lot of the strangers I met that summer.
Although most of it was negative, not everyone was malicious. In fact, many people were far from cruel and were instead speaking from a place of caring and concern. Most people seemed to think that it couldn’t possibly be a mutual decision — that one of us had forced the other into it. Some seemed to understand it as a competition, and were therefore constantly pushing me to sleep with more people to make sure I didn’t “lose”, which, while well-intentioned, quickly became stressful and unhealthy. Others assumed that we were essentially broken up, and this was just a step along the way. The positive responses were few and far between, but, when they did come, they reassured me that we hadn’t done something fundamentally wrong. One friend told me that we had her dream situation, and both my boyfriend and myself had people asking us for advice on open relationships months after the fact.
Now, almost a year later, I can honestly say that being open worked well for us and was one of the healthiest things we’ve done for our relationship. Although there were difficult moments, ultimately our communication grew stronger, we were able to explore and learn our personal boundaries, and I became much more secure in his feelings for me. The only real standout negative of the whole situation was dealing with the criticisms and having to defend my personal relationship choices to strangers, but, as soon I was able to tune the chatter out, things became much easier and I was much happier.
So, here’s the advice I give everyone who asks: set boundaries. Know what your partner is and isn’t comfortable with, and tell them what you personally are and aren’t comfortable with. If you have different boundaries, or if your feelings change at times, that’s okay. Still share them, and then together find a way to work within them. At the beginning of the summer, I decided that I wanted to know when my boyfriend had slept with someone else, whereas he preferred not to, but by the end of the first month he had changed his mind and so we adjusted accordingly. Communicate. Make sure it’s a mutual choice, and that you are always on the same page. Check in with each other regularly, and always remember why you are doing this, whether it’s because you don’t feel ready for exclusivity yet, or you’re long distance and you miss physical intimacy, or whatever other reason you may have. My boyfriend made me constantly aware that I was his priority, and that if I ever felt that I wanted to put a stop to things, we could. I did the same for him. And, most of all — don’t listen to the judgements of people who don’t know what they’re talking about.
Of course, open relationships aren’t for everyone. But with communication, trust and respect, they can absolutely be a positive and healthy choice. And while I can’t speak from experience on long-term open relationships, I can definitely understand how they work and why people have them. There is a space for positive and healthy open relationships, and your relationship is not lesser for its inexclusivity and nonconformity. If you want to try an open relationship, then I would say give it a go. Just remember to do what’s best for you.
by Zara Denham (Staff Love & Relationships Writer)
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