Personally victimised by red flags, mixed signals, & Lynx Africa

A retrospective on knowing your worth and learning never to settle for mediocrity

The world of modern dating is increasingly difficult to navigate. From disappointing Tinder dates to settling for anything with a pulse, romance and intimacy appear to be a thing of the past as hook-up culture reigns supreme.

Dodging red flags is an Olympic sport, and temporary traffic lights are not the only things giving off mixed signals. Just uttering the word 'relationship' is enough to make any guy label you a psycho. With the scent of Lynx Africa heavy in the air, feelings are thrown out of the window as Gen Z would rather catch flights than feelings. Commitment is considered an ick, and a six month relationship is classed as an achievement.

Whilst many consider hook-up culture to be liberating in the sense that it erases some of the stigma surrounding casual sex, particularly for women, it can leave others feeling anxious and dissatisfied by the lack of people looking for a genuine connection.

Thanks to dating apps, it has never been easier to meet people, with sex readily available at the swipe of a finger. Gone are the days where you actually had to graft and make an effort with someone by taking them on at least three dates before the possibility of sex was even put on the table. Dating apps have become the shag equivalent of Amazon Prime. You can strike up a conversation with a random stranger within a two mile radius of your house, and, half an hour later, they’ll be deep inside you asking if you’ve ever done anal and if they can cum on your face seeing as you’re not on any form of birth control.

With clear boundaries, good communication and a mutual respect and understanding for one another, casual relationships can be fun. I myself have been involved in a number of casual relationships. But whilst the benefits are appealing to many (regular sex with someone you find semi-attractive, no pressure to be romantic or intimate, and zero commitment), I am quite frankly tired of the situationship dance.

It always starts out the same way. You meet a guy, usually quite attractive and begin talking. At first, he seems keen and interested in getting to know you. He’s not like other guys, you tell yourself naively. He’s taken me out for coffee, he reads for pleasure, Paco Rabanne 1 Million is not his signature scent, he’s not a self- confessed gym-junkie, and he doesn’t carry a tote bag. The situation intensifies and before you know it, you find yourself happily caught up in a whirlwind of sex. Everything is going well. Maybe a little too well.

Then the inevitable happens. You catch feelings. You catch feelings bad. Catching feelings in a casual relationship bears a similar resemblance to Fight Club. The first rule of catching feelings in a casual relationship is: you do NOT catch feelings. The second rule of catching feelings in a casual relationship is: you do NOT catch feelings. But all hopes of salvaging a commitment are dashed when you inevitably hear the by-now recitable, situationship break-up speech:

“Look, this just isn’t working out anymore. I think you’re an amazing person, and the past (insert amount of time you’ve been shagging) has been great. But I’m not really in a commitment sort of place right now. This was only a casual thing, a bit of fun. It’s not you. It’s me. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do, as I care about you so much. You deserve someone who gives you 110%, and I think the only way for you to find that is if we see other people. I hope you’re not mad. Can we still be friends? (i.e. please forgive me within the next three months when I’ll inevitably message you drunk and/or horny asking for a shag)”.

BAM! The friendzone hits you like a ton of bricks as you attempt to understand what just happened. Did you misinterpret something? Google Translate is just as confused as you are. He said he wanted a relationship. He never mentioned wanting something casual. He’s taken me on dates, introduced me to his friends, told me he really likes me and saw something serious between us. And before you’ve had time to wake up and smell the coffee, you realise you were simply being led down the primrose path of utter bullshit.

In my experience, I have fallen hard for some of the guys I was casually seeing. In most cases these guys never expressed that they were looking for something casual and stressed that they were interested in having a serious relationship. I was often left feeling confused, heartbroken, and, if I’m honest, a little bit pathetic as I realised these guys had just led me on, only to have no romantic interest in me. Let me tell you, casual relationships work wonders in destroying your self-esteem when you know a guy only likes you enough to sleep with you, but not enough to fully commit to being in a relationship with you.

Casual relationships are perfect for the Chandler Bing commitment-phobes of the world. They are seemingly more convenient and enjoyable for many men, allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. This is not to say that all men are immune from being used or developing feelings within a casual relationship. Men can have all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit and develop feelings for one person, and can come and go as often as they like, disregarding women’s feelings and emotions in the process.

They don’t care that they have led you on. They don’t care that they have hurt you. They don’t care that you thought the connection you had was real. They still don’t care when you stupidly take them back as they promise you things will change, only to find you are nothing but a late night booty-call. At the end of the day they got what they wanted. They don’t care how much they break you as long as they get their fix.

Most guys use casual relationships to inflate their egos, brag to their friends, and essentially ‘try before they buy’. Rather than spending time forming a connection with someone, it has never been easier for people to question what else is out there. It’s a classic case of could you be happier? Why put in effort to fully commit to someone when there are plenty of bigger and better boobs to explore? The fact that women’s bodies are of so little value to men and are considered nothing but a commodity, only highlights the damaging effects these types of relationships have on modern society.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska

I would spend countless hours during my various situationships asking him to make more effort. I stupidly emphasised the times he kissed my forehead, picked me up and spun me around, thinking that every time he fell asleep holding me that he was equally as into me as I was into him. I grew frustrated at the fact that despite how frequently he came over, I was kept a secret. I gave these guys relationship benefits and constantly jumped through hoops to impress them, hoping deep-down that one day they would turn around and tell me how much they loved me and wanted to be with me.

After they left, I questioned everything about myself, always believing it was my fault. I was too much of this and not enough of that. If I was thinner, dumber, smarter, more attractive, self-obsessed, maybe he would have actually liked me rather than seeing me as a doll he could pick up, use and discard before moving on to play with someone else. I couldn’t understand why guys couldn’t commit to a relationship with me, and yet they could seemingly commit to one with Lucy three weeks later.

We all want to be loved and cared for. But with our standards at an all-time low, casual relationships have seemingly paved the way for people to settle for the bare minimum because it’s ‘better than nothing’. There is no passion, romance, or excitement about relationships anymore. People treat effort and romance within a relationship as a non-existent mythical entity, as infatuation and lust are considered more of a priority. The chase appears to be more exciting than the relationship itself.

We shouldn’t have to settle for the bare minimum and stay in a mediocre relationship just so we can say that we are in one. People often stay in mediocre relationships and situationships because they don’t believe something more meaningful is possible. They also don’t believe they are worthy or deserving of being in a relationship with someone who truly respects and values them, and treats them the way they should be treated.

After coming out of my last situationship, I decided, there and then, that I was done with casual relationships. They brought me nothing but grief and, nine times out of ten, involved me getting hurt. Now cynics may tell you that this article is nothing but a sympathy fest to make myself feel better, and I should go and buy my seven cats now.

But I knew I deserved better, so I decided to invest more time into making myself a priority.

I needed to unlearn that the most important thing in my life was being in a relationship because I am worth so much more than that. I needed to learn to filter out guys who were bad for me and didn’t treat me properly. I needed to learn to love myself in ways no guy ever had. Most importantly, I needed to understand that my value as a woman should never change or be determined by my relationship status.

Whilst my experiences have hurt me, they have also made me stronger. I now know what I want and don’t want from a relationship. When you wear your heart on your sleeve, you are more prone to heartbreak. But the most important thing to remember is to prioritise yourself, remember your worth and never settle for mediocrity. Despite what some of those guys told me, I know I am not a bad person. I deserve love, commitment, honesty, and respect. And when the time is right, I know that’s exactly what I will get.

by Libby Pierzak-Pee

(also published in Bloom I06)

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