How I Realised That Being Looked At Did Not Mean Being Seen
A Journey Through Modelling, Acting, Coaching
Photo Credit: Canva
Last week I was talking about a recurring dream I used to have as a kid, I analysed it and understood that it was highlighting my fear of being seen. I shared this with someone I was working with (on a photoshoot) and they said : “Ah! and here you are on set, being looked at all day.”
This small exchange made me realise I’ve been trying to challenge this fear of mine for years. I started modelling about 10 years ago, and got into acting about 6 years ago. Meaning I have spent countless days working on a set where I, seemingly, was the centre of attention. Everything seemed to be made to make me look good, so the final result would attract the eye and make people buy whatever I was “promoting”.
The thing is... I wasn’t being seen, I was being looked at. And there is a big difference. I was not truly challenging my fear. Instead, I was hiding again behind the curtain of what others expected me to look like. I was hiding behind the makeup, behind the outfits, the lights and a pretend confidence. All smoke and mirrors. It was a curtain of fog that hypnotised and asphyxiated people like a sleeping gas. I would make them fall asleep so they would not SEE me.
They wouldn’t see the doubts, the desires, the hopes, the fears, the longing, the stories, the beliefs.
I know that I am on the edge of feeling seen when I feel uncomfortable, when I feel something shift in me. This happened first in my acting classes, the first signal was tears. It was as if the fear that was hiding in a cave was being poked at, and shone on with a torch. It still happens occasionally, but at the time, it felt excruciatingly painful; however the more I did it, the less I suffered and the more seen I felt. I felt more alive as I was getting the fruits of letting myself get closer to this fear. It was like a monster that was invisible before transforming into a little kitten and leaving its cave.
In acting you can’t hide, you have to put your whole self into it - the hidden parts, the visible parts, everything. It’s not about lying contrary to what people think, it’s connected to your core, to what animates you, to what provokes things in the deep sense of yourself.
Training in acting is what keeps me close enough to the fear to tame it a little bit more everyday. It is not a one fix solution. It is a way of living to challenge this uncomfortable feeling and let yourself sit in it without trying to change it.
Another time I felt seen was when I started to share what I was interested in openly: personal development, spirituality and the fact that I signed up to coaching training. It had nothing to do with showing my physical self to be looked at, but sharing from a place of my interests and connecting with people through it. This is what made me feel “naked” a lot.
Why? Probably because it meant risk and I knew I might not get as much feedback as I did when I shared that my face was on a poster in a mall, or a high street. It feels less “sure”, and like I still have to prove myself within coaching and those ventures. Whereas, when my face is on a poster I have done my job and no longer have anything to do with it. In that way, it is less revealing. I feel looked at but not seen. Which, sometimes, is all I want, not to feel seen. If I had to put my vulnerable self on display for every campaign, I would be drained and would not feel like it is the right place to be recognised for it. It would not honour it. I am grateful for learning this along the way and having this reframe.
I feel like I have come a long way on my journey, and that every opportunity that popped up on my path was there for a reason.
Being aware of what modelling made me realise, understanding how acting helped me, and knowing how coaching expands my sense of self, is something I hope everyone gets to experience through their lives.
It’s still a work in progress, but I feel that this is the next step for me, while evolving as an actress and a person in my craft : sharing more about how I want to help, what fascinates me and bring value to whoever resonates with my messages and how I see things.
And you? Where do you feel really seen for who you are? Are you hiding or making yourself truly visible?
by Karolina Ct
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