Finding Femininity
Photography: Moon Immisch, @moonimmischphotography. Designer & Model: Squid, @squiid.s
When I was a little girl, there wasn’t much I knew for certain. I knew my name, I could see my features in the mirror, I knew, from school, that I was better at reading and writing than adding and subtracting. But I didn’t know much about my personality, who I truly was or who I wanted to become. All I knew for certain was that I wanted to be strong and brave, like Bugsy Malone and Sharkboy. In the playground, I’d attempt to climb the shed until I split my stomach open, a stupid act of ‘bravery’ that I’m still scarred from. In the swimming pool, I’d spend more time underneath the water, showing off how long I could hold my breath, than above. In the streets of my neighbourhood, I’d play with the boys, and I wouldn’t flinch when one of them pulled out a BB gun (but I’d scream like a girl when I was accidentally shot with it).
The older I got, the desire to be brave and strong only grew. I started to reject all the pretty dresses, skirts and boots my mum had dressed me in for years and leant towards traditionally masculine clothes. In year six, I turned up to a non-school uniform day in jeans and a hoodie from the boy’s section. That same year I visited my cousin’s house and called out to him, ‘I have that hoodie!’, to his confusion and probably disgust. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was brainwashed by the idea that to be brave and strong, you must be a man. Or, at least, you have to be as close as you can get to masculinity.
Honestly, I rejected femininity for longer than I realised and longer than I’d like to admit. As I entered high school, and realised wearing boy clothes and cutting my hair short wasn’t exactly socially acceptable, I moved from one outdated idea of strength and bravery to another. I convinced everyone around me (and myself) that I was not like other girls. I dyed my hair, winged my eyeliner and wore baggy graphic t-shirts. I played Band Hero and watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World. I had sleepovers with my guy friends and pretended not to feel physically sick as I stared in hidden horror at The Human Centipede, silently wishing we could just put on Wild Child.
Realistically I was incredibly insecure that my femininity was a huge weak point, whilst painfully aware that I wasn’t - and wasn’t sure if I’d ever be - genuinely brave and/or strong. I was letting myself be a victim to a patriarchal society and to my own silly little brain, and I didn’t wake up to that until I was directly called out on it.
If my task to appear as this unbreakable girl had gone on much longer, my confidence would’ve kept shrinking, my view of the world would’ve stayed stagnant, and I’d have missed out on an incredible amount of joy. On my twenty-third birthday, I wore a big pink dress that made me look like a cast member of Toddlers and Tiaras and a marshmallow simultaneously, and I’ve never looked back. I’ve fallen in love with women being typically feminine and vulnerable and open. I’ve watched films like Emma, Little Women and Midsommar to teach myself that being any kind of girl isn’t weak. I read books and essays and listen to podcasts that help me unpick why I was so sure that, as a little girl in a little white dress, I could never be taken seriously, even by myself. And this quiet revelation has made me so much happier than I can begin to explain.
The majority of us have to do work to feel at home in our bodies. And I acknowledge the work I have done is a lot easier than some of my friends, family members, colleagues, etc. But pealing back this layer of disguise and disgust has been the first step in a mountain of work I have to do to unpick the beliefs I’ve been sold since childhood that act to my disadvantage now.
So, take this as your reminder that we can be rom-com loving, pink handbag swinging, hair-flipping, ditzy, silly little girls and still be the brave, strong women that our younger selves dreamt of becoming.
by Courtney Kerrigan-Bates (Creative Writer)
Follow Courtney’s Instagram
(Also featured in Bloom I05)
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