Dealing With Guilt Through Grief

Several months ago, I lost a childhood friend. We drifted after moving schools, lost touch, disappeared into our own individual teenage years. So, I suppose we weren’t particularly close, but a friend they would always be. I’m pretty sure that if I had ever reached out to them, they would have answered, if I ever wanted to reunite, they would have accepted my offer. Which is why, I think, I’ve been struggling a lot since they passed.

Today I want to talk about grief. Something I fortunately haven’t had to deal with much throughout my life. It’s a funny thing, grief, an uncomfortable, hollow pit in your stomach. It sits with a weight that is often suffocating, this weight has only hit me recently.

I definitely feel a sense of guilt more than anything. I wish I had given them an opportunity to meet up, because maybe they just wanted someone to talk to. An old friend to vent to. Or perhaps nothing could have helped. Perhaps my guilt is so intense because I don’t have the right to feel upset. After all, we weren’t close, we hadn’t spoken in years. Yet here I am feeling empty.

However, through the upset I have found comfort in the past. Remembering old memories as children. Reminiscing on days spent together. Searching through books of old photos, smiling at our youthful faces. So, in a beautiful way, my friend isn’t gone. They’re still around, in boxes of photographs, in videos on my computer, in the stories people tell.

I won’t lie to you, this weight, like a tonne of bricks in my stomach, makes the days a lot darker. I’ve been losing interest in schoolwork, struggling with concentration and sleep. Every thought comes back to how much I miss them.

As a health and wellbeing writer I don’t want to focus on the difficulty of grief, but rather how grateful I am for time. Time, as everyone always says, is the best healer. It wraps you up in a blanket and rocks you to sleep. Time understands your suffering and eventually makes it fade away. Time knows that the pain won’t last forever, and I am grateful for that.

I will never get over the loss of my friend. But I can learn to live with the memories of them and appreciate the moments we did get to spend together.

If you are dealing with grief and don’t know who to speak to, there are always people there to help you, such as nationalbereavementpartnership.org. You are not alone, you are understood, listened to and supported by so many people. Don’t suffer in silence.

I hope you have a wonderful week, take care of yourselves, and fuel your body. x

by Samantha Webb (Staff Health & Wellbeing Writer)

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Edited by Charlotte Osment (Editorial Assistant)

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