We Are All Storytellers ... But Is Your Story Serving you ?
We all have a story that we are telling ourselves, most of the time unconsciously. This story is a summary of our experiences from the past, of who we think we are, what we can do and what our limits are. It is a story that feels comfortable on a daily basis, it is familiar, cosy and we are used to it; it is all good if we feel good in it... The problem is when this story is so comfortable that it holds us back from evolving and improving.
Since I was a kid, I always told myself that I was the shy, observant type who preferred to observe than to do unless I was not being judged or was in a really “for sure, for sure” safe space. I was the kid that would feel like it was a tremendous effort to go buy a baguette (I grew up in France haha) on my own when I was 8, I would feel so vulnerable and shy and felt like the person would make fun of me. Nothing I recall can really justify this approach to life and it still sneaks in sometimes (on a way smaller scale!). I guess I could uncover the reasons behind that behaviour by doing some therapy, but I found it helpful to notice those patterns by bringing awareness to the mindset, what situations trigger it and seeing when those “familiar” but unpleasant feelings show up.
If I had written this a few years ago I would’ve just wrote; “I was a shy and observant kid, and have always been the kind of person who would prefer to just be in the background and not really take part in anything that could make me fail.” But with what I have uncovered and what I have learnt through acting, my readings and life coaching, I know it has been a story that I have been telling myself that has made me behave in that way. Don’t get me wrong : there is nothing bad in being a shy, and reserved person, I can’t really change the fact that I like keeping things for myself and I feel good about having some limits for my privacy, but I do think that some of the aspects were holding me back from getting what I wanted or showing up when there were good opportunities to do so.
1 - When Life Throws You Lemons, Catch Them and Make Lemonade
What can stop us seeing the stories we tell ourselves as “proof”; I believe that life keeps throwing opportunities at you to show that you can be more than your story, but if you are locked into it, those opportunities are harder to spot. Sometimes life will be really insistent and push you to take an opportunity that will prove you are capable of way more than you think.
An example would be the way I booked my first role when I was a student at uni. At that time I was still telling myself that I was a shy person who was only comfortable with friends. However, deep down, I felt that I was limiting myself to my comfort zone, my soul longing for more challenges and adventures. I was comfortable at uni, buried in my books, enjoying it and doing what I thought I was meant to do: get a degree, an internship and then get my first job in an advertising agency. But I knew that was not it for me. One day I got a call from my modelling agent telling me a French director wanted to meet me for a role in his new movie... I’d wanted to be an actress since I was 6... Would you believe that what I replied was: “...Sorry I have many exams next week I won’t have time to go meet him.”
FEAR was speaking, I could hear the story I always told myself: “What? You SHY kid? You can’t meet a director out of the blue like that, you have nothing interesting to show, to give, and you only did acting when you were a teenager and it was not pro!” So I said “No, really sorry.” Thank God my agent insisted like she never ever did before. And a few rounds of auditions later I booked the job and I could not be happier. I shortened the story but yes, that’s where life started serving me the opportunities to go beyond my shyness on a silver plate. I would not have pushed myself in every situation, but I did it because it was linked to what I’d always wanted, which I’d previously pushed away because of fear.
So this story serves the idea that if you are locked into your story and try to keep yourself in it, you can easily do that and miss opportunities. Sometimes life will push, insist and make you do it, but, most of the time, it will be your job to show up as more than what you think you are. You can’t count on life to serve you those opportunities on a plate if you do not believe you are the person those opportunities are for.
2 - When Life Does Not Give You Lemons, Plant the Seeds for the Lemon Tree :)
After this experience I was really grateful for the opportunity and it showed me the way. I did not feel legitimate (AH! Still this chimp coming back, see?) but I felt like if with no experience I could do it, how much could I do with training and with intentional work? I asked myself, who do I need to be to get some more opportunities like that? Personally, I knew that I would feel comfortable if I had training so I signed up to acting classes, which led me to personal development, meditation, starting to break the limits I did not realise I had. I did and still do all these things to be as good as I can in the craft, but my mentality changed, I realised that one of the things that would make me move forward more than any skills combined would be: the new story I chose to tell myself to make all those things work for me: “I maybe was a shy kid, but that does not define me anymore, I am reserved when I choose to be but I do not let this hold me back, my voice has worth and value, I have things to express.” What is important is to tailor that new story to you specifically. “I am shy” to “I am confident” is not specific enough and might not resonate enough for you to assimilate and believe in it. (Check the exercise at the end of this article; or ask a coach to work on this with you).
For example, if you think: “I don’t think I will ever find love” and you do want to find love and a partner... well, you can gamble on life and pray that it will happen, but you are not really setting the best conditions possible for it to happen, right? What if you start by noticing that until now this story has not really served you well, why not give it a shot at changing it to: “I think I have chances to find love, I am open to meeting people and will present them with my authentic self. I will even share my doubts and not pretend I have it all figured out. All of that is proof of love to myself, I accept the way I am and I believe, if I do, someone else will too”. If then you pray or set the intentions with this new story and decide to move through life, through the next events and meetings with people you will start noticing the change of energy around you. Often you get what you emit. If it does not work then you are free to come back to the old story, but at least you will have the choice, and that is all the difference!
In fact, stepping into a new story is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself and for your goals before life insists and shows you the path. Why? Because you will be more able to spot the opportunities and go for them. Life will show them to you more brightly and regularly because you will be aligned with them. You will find what is waiting for you and will be given what you need to show up as the version of yourself required to achieve whatever you desire.
This change in your story could be illustrated by these metaphors (I love a metaphor!):
When you are locked in a story that does not serve you it is as if:
You’re trying to see things with sunglasses on in a dark room... What can you spot? Not much I guess.
Stepping into a new story would be the equivalent of:
Taking off the sunglasses in the dark room, noticing the things around you and even seeing the door where there might be more things to discover...
Completely committing to that new story, and what that new version of yourself would be like: getting outside in the sun and having the freedom of choice over whether to wear the sunglasses or not.
Being completely free and knowing what’s best for you.
Exploring Time!
What is the story you are telling yourself if I ask you: Who are you ?
If you wrote your whole story and had to give it a title what would it be?
Would you pick up that book for inspiration if you saw it at the bookstore? If not, what book would you rather pick, what would be its title?
What is the thing you currently want? What version of yourself has those things? What qualities does this version of you have?
Take your time to answer those questions... and then compare the two stories and find bridges to make the second story work for you. How can you make the bridge accessible for you and exciting to cross :).
by Karolina Ct
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Edited by Charlotte Osment (Editorial Assistant)
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