Why Are We Pushed an Unrealistic Portrayal of Romantic Love?
Collage: @laurenelburns (BBC/Columbia)
Throughout our lives we're exposed to all sorts of love stories: the star-crossed lovers and ill-fated romance, the divorcee who leaves a toxic marriage and soon meets her true love, the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers trope best shown in When Harry Met Sally. They're tales as old as time, and portrayed non-stop in mainstream media.
It's no secret that we love love. We love the drama, the anticipation of the 'will they won't they,' or the infuriating, but ultimately satisfying, love triangle. We actively seek out romantic comedies after breakups, hoping the comfort of Elle finding Emmet or Bridget chasing after Mark will ease our own heartache and bring us a renewed sense of hope. Perhaps love really does exist. And the media knows this.
Let's take a look at Love Actually: As far as cheesy rom-coms go, it ticks all the boxes. While a much-loved classic, it's filled with unrealistic messages of romance and sexist stereotypes (femme-fatale Mia and the constant remarks on Natalie's weight, for example). It's a film known for it's grand gestures: an impulsive declaration of love in Portugal, the cue cards on the doorstep, and the Prime Minister (!?) 'chivalrously' standing up to the President (!?) to defend Natalie. These moments are meant to hook us through their extravagance. When we watch the scene unfold on our screen, we may squeal or cheer or laugh or cry. But in reality, if someone turned up on our doorstep and declared their love with the image of an old, dead person, we'd slam the door and immediately file a restraining order.
But still we watch, and re-watch, these films and TV shows. Hooked on the toxic relationships and meet-cute's, the fights that end in steamy, passionate sex and the tease of the 'will they, won't they'. We're drawn to the drama, the intensity of emotion, and the raw desire we feel we're missing in our own lives. If they were to portray the reality, the small fights over who should've taken out the bins and the 'can you pick up some milk after work' texts, then we wouldn't be nearly as interested. Their viewership would plummet, as would their income.
The relationships within Gossip Girl, for example, are too mature for people their age. Although, they're still wildly dramatised for the benefit of our entertainment (and are, at times, a bit toxic). When was the last time you saw two sixteen-year-old's engage in or pursue anything without their S/O'? Or allow one another to date their ex-partners? Or, um, marry a prince? But we enjoy the soap opera aspects: the turmoil of their 'off-and-on again' dating lives, the scandals and crazy plot lines woven throughout, and petty squabbles over ivy-league colleges. But what kind of message is this sending to younger viewers?
When we take into consideration the toxic behaviour strewn throughout Twilight (lock your windows at night, Bella), we realise how common these messages are within the media. It's a hugely popular franchise targeted towards young adults; but is especially popular amongst 11-13 year-old girls. At this age, the puberty hormones are really starting to kick in; causing us to consider romantic attachments and develop sexual attractions. Within both of these franchises, the 'happily ever after,' or the idea of a 'fairy-tale' romance are tied in with emotional abuse and a lack of boundaries between incredibly problematic characters. The media is actively providing younger viewers with unrealistic, unhealthy, and dramatised depictions of romantic love.
When we're young, we don't realise that this is wrong. So, we internalise these messages, often without even realising it. We pin our hopes on cultivated ideals, and the thought that one day someone will show up outside our house with a boombox or elope with us after a wild, week-long romance.
These ideals are cultivated in childhood and last well into adulthood, particularly if we have little real-life relationship experience.
As a teen, I didn't have much interest in dating. I watched from afar as my friends embarked on their first relationships, or listened as they spoke animatedly about their crushes. I was 17/18 by the time I actively started to engage with boys romantically, and I think it's safe to say that I knew very little on the subject. What I did know (or thought I knew), came from past observations of my friends and the media, and none of which was healthy.
I'm a romantic, I always have been. I seek sparks and chase the feeling that has me smiling uncontrollably. Back then, I didn't understand the difficulties and realities of romantic love; the struggles of open communication and compromise. When we're younger, we expect ease. We expect hand-holding and flowers, unaware of the realities as many of our ideas of love are based on fiction.
Sure, I've known people who've had romantic, film-worthy first dates or kisses. Heck, I've had a few myself.
But, what if we don't get a meet-cute? What if we don't get sparks or magic or a handsome (or beautiful) stranger bumping into us on a cold street in New York?
The truth is far less enticing, and far more to do with science.
Neurologists say that the happy, blissful romance we experience will typically only last around 3-5 years, after which the brain chemicals (called monoanimes) which create these intense feelings will begin to dissipate. This is because these chemicals' purpose is to keep the relationship stable long enough for the couple to have children.
Now that the rush is over, what happens? It's never mentioned or shown in the media. All the happily married couples on TV act as though they're still in those early phases, but anyone who's been in a long-term relationship or knows someone who is, can tell you this isn't always the case.
Not that this is a bad thing, many couples will form a deeper, more intimate connection after this stage. But, the narrative we're fed often pushes us the 'happily ever after,' as opposed to most people's reality.
The problem is, as much as we love to swoon and cry over our favourite on-screen romances, they push an expectation of love that reality oftentimes can't live up to. As a result, we go through life feeling disappointed and confused as to why no one's met this ideal yet. Why all our first dates don't end in dramatic kisses, and why our apartment's aren't filled with flowers when we return home.
It's the grand-gesture, sweeping you off your feet, whirlwind romance tropes that can make you more susceptible to manipulative behaviours such as love-bombing.
This is a technique used by an individual whose intention is to use you for their own benefit. They shower you with affection and attention in order to gain your trust, with the end-goal of boosting their ego and gaining control over you. Spending countless hours in one another's presence, receiving gifts and loving messages along with the promise of a wonderful future together. Sounds like the beginning of your favourite romantic movie, right?
We are taught that this is the goal, the kind of over-the-top love that makes us feel special in a way we never have before, we dismiss all else as lesser.
Then, we wait around for love to find us. Rather than working on ourselves or pursing our own goals, we're told that the value and validation of another is all that really matters, and they'll love us no matter our flaws, financial situation or career. It's not that they love us despite these traits, but in spite of them. This is especially true for women, whose own lives and passions seem to blur into the background as she embarks on this love journey. Remember Andy, in The Devil Wears Prada? When she began to succeed at work and her boyfriend got resentful, the breakup that ensued and the blame Andy bore as a result? We're subtly teaching young women that they have to choose: career or love? Because, who said you could have both?
We're beginning to see a more realistic view of sex and romance on-screen, from Normal People's Connell and Marianne, to the deconstruction of consent in I May Destroy You. Their depictions are setting a new standard for the shows following them.
By portraying the realities of consent, love, and healthy relationships, the media can provide viewers with a less dramatised or 'rose-tinted' perspective. While it's proved popular in the past, our generation is demanding shows that are not only realistic, but also inclusive and diverse.
As Normal People proved, they can be just as mainstream in popular culture as the unrealistic shows before them.
by Claire Hussey
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