Coming Into Bloom In My Twenties

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After officially entering the early twenties age bracket, I have decided that I want to make the most out of my adolescence (or, as my older friends keep prodding me, what’s left of my adolescence), and I want to come into bloom. But what does it mean to come into bloom, and why do we feel pressure to do this?

I want my twenties to be like the coming-of-age rom-com films, with all the drama, love, and excitement.

But is that real life? Is that what actually happens?

Can twenty-somethings afford chic high-rise apartments overlooking vast skyscrapers? Can twenty-somethings work all day then stay up all night having hours and hours of sex? Can twenty-somethings keep in touch with all of their friends, live with most of their friends and expect them all to go out every weekend? Can twenty-somethings go on boujee holidays and mad festival trips? Can twenty-somethings find the love of their life?

So far, I’m not experiencing the twenty-something way of life that gets depicted in my favourite films. Coming into bloom in your twenties is portrayed as a magical and surreal experience, and we believe there is no time in life like it. But who says there is only one way to come into bloom?

Turning twenty-two has put a lot of things into perspective for me. It’s a year after I’ve graduated from university. I am working for some coveted experience for minimum money, I am single, and my friends are dotted all over the country. This isn’t quite what I was expecting. But I can’t be the only one.

It feels like a kick in the teeth to see these films and series and to read these books about how fantastical your twenties are while sat in my childhood bedroom on a Friday night knocking back rhubarb gin with a smart price slimline tonic. After a week of work, I feel like I should be out on a wild night out, downing my body weight in vodka lemonades, dancing until my feet have their own heartbeat, and borrowing a hot guy's cig in exchange for a snog and who knows what else in the nightclub toilets.

Is that what it means to come into bloom in your twenties? Are you meant to lose all inhibitions so dramatically? Is this the only chance in your life to do this? The pressure of what I should be doing vs what I am actually doing makes me feel more like a dying weed than a blossoming flower.

This is why I have decided to rewrite my own narrative and why I suggest that you all do the same. What does coming into bloom in my twenties look like for me? First and foremost, self-acceptance. Coming into bloom translates to coming into my own. For years I have been unhappy with myself. I have constantly worried about how other people perceive me. But now, I want to take back the power.

I want to water my own seeds and let the sun shine on me shamelessly. Fuck it. I deserve to water my own seeds and for the sun to shine on me. I have spent most of my life questioning who I am, poking and prodding at my own flaws. For what? To find new flaws to poke at as I get older. I look back at my younger self and roll my eyes at the sixteen-year-old who thought she was too nerdy. I shake my head at the seventeen-year-old who thought she was boring at parties, and I sigh at the eighteen-year-old who was too afraid to try and put herself out there.

I want to look back at the twenty-two-year-old me and think, 'Yeah, not bad'. That's a huge compliment for me. It's taken me this long to see that we all bloom at our own pace. We all have different perceptions of blooming. What you and I see as fulfilling are totally different. And, that's okay - as long as you are happy with it and as long as you manage your personal expectations.

For now, I have rewritten the narrative of my twenties, and I want to keep it as simple as possible. I want to be happy with who I am and the decisions I make. If I achieve that, how can I possibly look back and feel regret?

My twenties might not be the glossy chaos depicted in films and books - but my twenties are MINE. It’s up to me what I do with these years. And I don’t want to hold back. I want to bloom into the most abstract, prickliest cactus possible in my twenties. Why? Because that is way more me than being a delicate rose. 

All in all, I’d say your twenties are a magical and surreal experience, and there is not going to be a time in your life quite like it - just not in the way you think. Be your own cactus.

by Caitlin Evans

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