Why you should stare back

Photo by Francesco Ungaro on Unsplash

When creepy men stare at you, stare back. If you're a woman, you've probably noticed that some men (in my experience, usually older men) stare at you creepily, especially in summer. I've always looked away for my safety. Well, forget that. Stare back.

Where's all this coming from?

Last week I was wearing a mini-skirt in town when I noticed an older guy staring at me without breaking as I walked in his direction. I don't know why this particular time I got so peeved. After 24 years, I'm sick of people watching my body. Screw this, I thought. I'll stare back. We'll both feel uncomfortable. Once he realised I was staring back (I assume this doesn't happen often), he looked away and picked up his beer like he had to act casual all of a sudden. He knew he'd been doing something wrong.

I felt relieved, realising I possessed the power to stop men staring at my body. You stare back. Witheringly. It's so simple?! (Well, not quite, but I'll get to that).

After him, I met another old guy in a white van. I looked to see if he was staring at me (by me, I mean my legs). Yep, another starer. Once he saw my eyes shooting daggers at his, he raised his eyebrows, looked out the other window and didn't look at me again. Sadly, I felt like I had uncovered a powerful secret. Why has no one told me to stare back before?

A stat that also prompted my fury and epiphany

You are most likely to be sexually assaulted if you are a girl or woman between the ages of 16–24. Disturbing but unsurprising. You hear all sorts of statistics about sexism and assault. However, this one infuriates me. Is it coincidental that young female bodies are sexualised most in the media?

The media also sexualises young black women and girls even more than their white counterparts. What I experience as a white woman is amplified for black women. Men are encouraged to think it's acceptable to stare. That young female bodies are there for staring.

As I walked, I thought about how our young years are plagued by unwanted sexual attention, and we must wait until we're older to be left alone.

But is it always safe to stare back?

I hate that I have to address this question. It's one my own brain threw at me. It feels like teaching women to defend themselves instead of telling men to fix their behaviour. Men — carry on staring, as you were! Women — don't look up. Let them stare. If you don't, they might get angry and assault you. Don't incite that.

In The Handmaid's Tale, 'handmaids' forcibly wear 'wings' around their heads. They're big white cone-shaped bonnets that intentionally limit their vision. They cannot look at men or talk to them without a legal reason. I always felt a parallel when walking around in a mini-skirt. Like I was wearing an imaginary vision-limiting cone, stopping me from staring back at men.

It's also dangerous to stare at bulls, but a bull cannot help its behaviour. It's a bull. It has an instinct to attack when under threat. So you must adjust your behaviour. Men are not bulls.

Most men know not to stare at or intimidate women. They are rational beings, capable of understanding and respect. Advising against challenging behaviour (by staring back) rather than advising men against performing said behaviour doesn't make sense. You cannot tell bulls they scare people. They won't understand. Men are entirely capable of understanding.

Still, some men will react if challenged. A few days ago, I stared back at a guy who maintained eye contact. It was pretty scary. I looked away for a few seconds but then looked back, and he was staring still. I stood my ground. The most aggressive, uncomfortable staring contest I’d ever experienced. Then I passed him.

It’s not foolproof. Sometimes a withering stare won’t impact a man’s audacity. It may anger him. Pick your battles. If a man reacts aggressively, and you’re in an unsafe environment, let it go and look away. Or get self defence lessons. Agh! Now we’re back to telling women to defend themselves. It’s so ingrained in us. Ultimately, you’re not a bad feminist if you’re too scared to stare back. That’s not on you.

Why I didn’t think of this before

To many people, maybe more men than women, this all may sound like a non-idea. Staring back at creeps. Not massively original. Well, it did occur to me earlier, but others advised against it.

I was 13 or 14, walking with a friend, when a group of boys wolf-whistled at us. I assume whoever they were, they were also school age, but I can’t remember. I started giving them the evils, but my friend pulled me along. “Don’t respond to that. We’re not dogs”.

That informed my response to harassment. She had a point. Their behaviour was disrespectful. However, by ‘rising above it’, they were left unaccountable. But if you look someone in the face, they must reflect on how uncomfortable they have made you. He should feel bad and embarrassed. He should feel awkward about his behaviour, not me.

I don’t want to let anyone get away with it anymore.

On a more positive note!

I’ve found, to my pleasant surprise, that most men are not staring at me! In the past, when I’d be wearing less or tighter fitting clothing and saw an older man walking my way, I wouldn’t look because I was worried he’d be staring. But no! Since actually looking, I’ve realised most just glance at your face, if anything, and then carry on past. At least, this is the case where I currently live in the UK.

I know I sound paranoid. I never felt super paranoid when thinking like this. I assumed that’s the way men were. Where did this assumption come from? As girls and women we're taught to automatically distrust male strangers (and I still do, of course).

Anyway, I feel more comfortable wearing whatever I like in public, knowing most men aren’t perving after all (not that that’s ever stopped me). You may be thinking I was just paranoid in general. But I never tensed up when women or children walked by or looked at me. This article on Glamour’s website has validated this fear I had for so long (and still do to an extent).

If you think I'm 'arrogant' and men aren't staring at my body, then you are part of the problem.

If you feel compelled to dismiss me as another 'annoying whiney feminist,' you are also part of the problem.

I assume you also use the stereotype of angry black women to dismiss any feminist black women you come across. 

Time for some introspection.

To conclude

Stare back if you feel comfortable. I promise it’s empowering. If, for some reason, Google’s algorithm has sent this article to a guy who stares at women a lot — stop. Simple advice. Maybe you are a man who doesn’t ogle women, and wants to help. In that case, if you see a woman looking uncomfortable and notice a leering man nearby— call him out. Ask him if he’s staring at her. Or move to block his view. That’d be a great thing to do. Maybe talk to your male friends and have a healthy discussion about this problem. Have they ever seen it happen, or have women in their lives told them about this issue? I’m not just talking to women in this article because it’s not just a women’s issue.

by Izi Wilkowski
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